Good cheeseburger (and rules of engagement)

A good burger, I find, is not one found in artisan bread with homemade tomato chutney and extra mature Ticklebottom Farm Cheddar that doesn’t melt properly. Onion in the meat is an ABSOLUTE NO-NO! Beaten egg to bind it is another ABSOLUTE NO-NO unless you actually want it to taste processed and rubbery. The point lies not just in the excellence of the meat but also in the plastic, techno-orange processed cheese, super-soft, crappy sesame bun and tomato ketchup. It must not be a crusty, crun